If You're A Lead Actor, People Are

I'd Like To Have A Kid, But I'd Probably Get A Frank Sinatra Jr. Instead Of A Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd Totally Screw Up Like That.

I Just Split Up With My Girlfriend, But Like The Japanese Say, “they’ll Be Another One Floating By Any Minute Now.”

I Have Always Felt Comedy And Tragedy Are Roommates. If You Look Up Comedy And Tragedy, You Will Find A Very Old Picture Of Two Masks. One Mask Is Tragedy. It Looks Like Its Crying. The Other Mask Is Comedy. It Looks Like Its Laughing. Nowadays, We Would Say, How Tasteless And Insensitive. A Comedy Mask Is Laughing At A Tragedy Mask.

I'd Make Jack Benny Look Like A Philanthropist.

I Sincerely Apologize To Anyone Who Was Offended By My Attempt At Humor Regarding The Tragedy In Japan. I Meant No Disrespect, And My Thoughts Are With The Victims And Their Families.