I'd Love To Have A Shitty Job.

If You're A Cartoon Character Or Most Tv Characters, Sure, You'll Fight, Because The Punches Are Juicy-sounding And They Don't Leave Marks. But In Real Life, If Somebody Punches You In The Eye, It Doesn't Make Any Noise And Your Eye Is Swollen For, Like, Six Months. It's A Nightmare To Get Punched In The Eye.

There's People That Say “it's Not Fair You Have All That Stuff.” I Wasn't Born With It. It Was A Horrible Process To Get To This. It Took Me My Whole Life. If You're New At This- And By “new At It.” I Mean 15 Years In, Or Even 20- You're Just Starting To Grow Traction. Young Musicians Believe They Should Be Able To Throw A Band Together And Be Famous, And Anything That's In Their Way Is Unfair And Evil. What Are You, In Your 20s, You Picked Up A Guitar? Give It A Minute.

If I'm Not On Tour, I Can Run Down To The Comedy Club And Do A Little Stand-up. If You're An Actor, You Can't Go - I Guess There's Forms Of It.

In 27 Years Doing This, I've Seen A Handful Of Truly Great, Masterful Standup Sets. One Was Tig Notaro Last Night At Largo.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!