I'd Be In The Backyard Minding My

I Lent A Friend Of Mine $10,000 For Plastic Surgery And Now I Don't Know What He Looks Like.

I Pray A Simple Prayer Every Morning. It's An Ecumenical Prayer. Whether You're Catholic Or Jewish Or Muslim Or Hindu, I Think It Speaks To The Heart Of Every Faith. It Goes “lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.”

When I Was A Kid, My Goodness, Corporate America Was A Bunch Of Stolid White Guys In Gray Suits Trying To Be Serious, And Now It's Stolid White Guys In Gray Suits Trying To Be Funny.

My Jokes Are In My Head And I Have A Duplicate Copy Of My Jokes In A Lot Of British Comics' Heads, Where They Are Safe.

Now There's A Seven-day Waiting Period To Buy A Gun. Who Can Stay Mad That Long?