I Think Stand-up Comedy Is This -

Screaming. Did I Mention The Screaming? Screaming Is Usually Associated With Horror Films And Roller Coasters. This Is Why I Usually Look Like I've Just Watched A Horror Film On A Rollercoaster. Kids Love To Scream. Frightened, Happy, Bored. They Scream. I've Actually Learned To Love The Sound Of A Vacuum Cleaner. It's Just So Peaceful.

I Reached A Point In My Life Where I Didn't Really Like Who I Was.i Was Married To An Amazing Woman. I Had Children, And Yet There Was Frustration.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

I'm Not Saying That Mcdonald's Gift Certificates Caused The Obesity Epidemic, But In Retrospect, The Timing Is Kind Of Suspicious.