I Played In A Death-metal Band. People

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

This Shirt Is "dry-clean Only"... Which Means It's Dirty.

I Had A Velcro Wallet In A Casino. That Sound Annoyed The Hell Out Of Me. Whenever I Lost Money, And I Opened The Wallet, It Was Like The Sound Of My Addiction.

I Had A Job Interview At An Insurance Company Once, And The Lady Said 'where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?' I Said, 'celebrating The Fifth Year Anniversary Of You Asking Me This Question!'

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"