I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Nothing Wise Was Ever Printed Upon An Apron.

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.