I Like My Jokes To Be Built

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

When I See A Large Group Of People, I Wonder How Many Of Them Will Eventually Require Autopsies.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.