I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice.

I'm More American Than Apple Pie. I'm Like Apple Pie, With A Hot Dog In It.

Last Night, We Did The Threatdown -- God, It's Hard To Even Talk About This -- And For The First Time, I Didn't Mention Bears. It's Winter, They're Asleep, I Didn't Think It Would Be A Problem. But Today I See This In The Toronto Globe And Mail -- Apparently A 700-pound Polar Bear Showed Up At A Children's Hockey Game. I've Said This Before, They're After Our Kids -- They're Tender, Juicy, You Don't Even Have To Throw Away The Bones.

I'm Disappointed That My Own Catholic Church Has Decided That Capital Punishment Is Wrong. Which Is Pretty Hypocritical If You Think About It, Because They Wouldn't Even Have A Religion If It Wasn't For Capital Punishment.

Sixty Eight Percent Of Republicans Don't Believe In Evolution. On The Other Hand, Only Five Percent Of Monkeys Believe In Republicans.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.