I Had A Lot Of Depression As

I Learned That People In Wheelchairs Are Allowed To Have Marathons … Which, To Me, Seems Like Cheating, But What Are You Gonna Say?

Comedy Can't Live Within My Second-guesses, So I Started Doing New Material. Sometimes I Bombed. But You Have To Be Willing To If You Want To Move Forward And Stay Vital. It's Like People Who Take Pride In Not Having A Computer. I'm All, "great, Don't Learn New Things! Your Brain Is Full!"

I'd Rather Have A Girl Exposed To Me Than 25 Women In Prom Dresses Vying For A Stranger.

My Mom Was Always Someone Who If, Even Now, I Say I Met A Certain Famous Person, She Always Says, "she's Married To So And So!"

Don't Tell Girls They Can Be Anything They Want When They Grow Up. Because It Would Have Never Occurred To Them That They Couldn't. It's Like Saying, 'hey, When You Get In The Shower, I'm Not Gonna Read Your Diary.' 'wait--are You Gonna Read My Diary?' 'no! I Said I'm Not Gonna Read Your Diary. Go Take A Shower!'