I Became A Stand-up Comedienne Because I

My Mother-in-law Had A Pain Beneath Her Left Breast. Turned Out To Be A Trick Knee.

In Most States You Can Get A Driver's License When You're Sixteen Years Old, Which Made A Lot Of Sense To Me When I Was Sixteen Years Old But Now Seems Insane.

You Know What Keeps Me Humble? Mirrors!

No Matter What Time Your Guests Arrive, Pretend They're Early, So Naturally You're Not Ready.

There Isn't Any (afterlife), You Dingbat! This Is It, Baby! Enjoy, Carefully! Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion And I Can't Buy Any Of It. So God Made Man In His Own Image? It's Just The Other Way Around. Man Made God In His Own Image. It's All About Money.