I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't

If You're Going To Pick A Book And You Want To Base A System Of Government Around It, Why Not 'harry Potter?'

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

If You Really Think There's A Santa, Why Don't You Sit On The Front Steps All Night In The Freezing Cold And See If He Climbs Down Any Chimneys Tonight. Good Luck. And Since We're A Family That Isn't Lucky Enough To Have A Chimney, How Would Santa Get Into Our House? Does He Bring A Locksmith With Him? And It Probably Would Have To Be A Jewish Locksmith, Because A Christian Locksmith Is Going To Want To Be Home With His Family. And How Many Jewish Locksmiths Are There? None.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

What I've Found In My Career Is That 70 To 75 Percent Of Comics Are Nice And Have Some Sense Of Social Skills, But There Are Those Who End Up In Comedy Because They Don't Know How To Socialize. I Don't Want To Deal With That Group.