Honestly, I Just Want To Keep People

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

I'm On So Late I'm Definitely The Last Seconds Of Anyone's Attention. So I Just Want To Give Them Something Dumb To Laugh At, So They Go, 'that's Funny,' Then Fall Asleep.

Japan And South Korea Are On High Alert After North Korea Successfully Launched A Long-range Rocket. Both Countries Are Surprised By North Korea's Successful Launch, But Definitely Not As Surprised As North Korea.

Republican Scott Brown Lost His Bid For Senate In New Hampshire Last Night, Two Years After He Was Voted Out As Senator In Massachusetts. When Asked What He Was Planning To Do Next, He Said, 'are They Still Looking For A Mayor In Toronto?'

Another Scandal For Hillary Clinton - They're Saying She Used A Private Email Address When She Was Secretary Of State, Which Means The Government Couldn't Archive And Preserve Her Emails. Then Obama Said, 'don't Worry, We Saw Them. We See Everyone's Emails.'