God, That Anthony Jeselnik Show Sounds Really

My Sister Just Had A Baby, A Little Newborn. The Kid Is Adorable, So Cute. She Wouldn't Let Me Hold Him, She Refuses. She Says, 'no Way, Anthony, I'm Afraid You're Gonna Drop Him.' I'm 32 Years Old. Like I'm Some Kind Of Idiot. Like I Don't Have A Million Other Ways To Hurt That Baby.

I Like Seeing What The Comedian Thinks Is Funny, Not Just What They Think I'll Think Is Funny.

An Offended Audience Member Repeating A Comedian's Act From Memory Is Worse Than, Literally, Anything.

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

Tom Cruise's Pre-nup Lets Him Keep His Money, The Kids And Katie Holmes.