Barack Obama May Be Black, But John

Laughter Survives... It Has To Survive.

If You Had A Personal Trainer, You Would Probably Eat Him. I Know That In Every Fat Person, There's A Skinny Person Inside, But You Could Have All The Season's Contestants Of America's Next Top Model In You. I Hope I Get Reincarnated As Your Feet. That Way, You'd Never See My Face Again... Oh, I'm Sorry. I Shouldn't Have Insulted You. Because In My Country, Cows Are Sacred.

I Want To Tell You About A Woman I Have Been Married To For Ten Years, My Wife, Ann, Who Speaking Truthfully, Saved Me From Myself. Who Saved Me From Destroying Myself Because Of My Background. Who Saved Me From Wasting My Life, Drinking My Life Away, Never Fulfilling My Dreams Because Of What I Had Come From, And Truly Believing And Loving - Truly The First Person To Ever Truthfully, Unconditionally Love Me.

It's A Great Day In America When White People, Black People And Latinos Can All Come Together And Pick On Another Minority.

David Letterman Is The Best Late-night Talk Show Host Right Now, Hands Down, And Has Been Since He First Took The Desk.