According To The New York Times, The

Remember When We Used To Worry About Some Weirdo Having A Razor Blade Inside An Apple On Halloween? Not Anymore. Like A Kid Today Would Eat An Apple.

In A Landmark Decision, The Supreme Court Ruled President Obama's Healthcare Mandate Is Constitutional. This Is A Major Victory For President Obama, Who Spent Three Years Promoting It, And A Major Setback For Mitt Romney, Who Spent Three Years Creating It.

Astronomers Have Discovered A Planet That Is Twice The Size Of Earth And Made Of Diamonds. President Obama Says The Planet May Be Inhabited By Aliens Not Paying Their Fair Share.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

If You Don't Want Your Dog To Have Bad Breath, Do What I Do: Pour A Little Lavoris In The Toilet.