A Top Aide To Donald Trump Says

I'm On So Late I'm Definitely The Last Seconds Of Anyone's Attention. So I Just Want To Give Them Something Dumb To Laugh At, So They Go, 'that's Funny,' Then Fall Asleep.

In A Recent Attack Ad, The Nra Claims That President Obama Cares About His Own Children More Than He Cares About Other Children. In Response, President Obama Was Like, 'yeah, That's How Families Work.'

I Got My Shot At The Movies. I Love Doing Standup Live. I Didn't Know What I Wanted To Do. I Wanted To Try Movies, So I Gave It A Shot. I Had Two Shots And I Didn't Really Do It. That Wasn't Really Happening For Me. On The Second Movie I Got To Meet The Girl That Would Be My Wife. So I Got To Hang Out With Her And Get Engaged, And Get The Whole Wedding Thing. It Was Really Great.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

In Several Speeches And Interviews, Donald Trump Has Brought Up His Book 'the Art Of The Deal,' And Said That Obama Would Have Negotiated A Better Deal With Iran If He Had Read It. It Got Even More Awkward For Obama When Iran Was Like, 'it Worked For Us - You Guys Got Screwed!'