A New Cologne Is Coming Out. It's

I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

I'm Not Defending What Cory Booker Said. I'm Saying I Understand Why He Has To Kiss The Asses Of The Rich People On Wall Street, Because There's No Other Way To Keep His City Afloat.

New Rule: There Is No Devil, So Stop Blaming Your Screw-ups On Him. Last Week, One Of The Biggest Evangelical Leaders In America, The Reverend Ted Haggard, Was Outed For Drugs And Extramarital Gay Sex With A Male Prostitute. Or As Fox News Reported It, 'john Kerry Hates Our Troops'.

Every Time [rand Paul] Opens His Mouth, It Gets A Little Crazier. Today He Angrily Demanded That The Liberal Media Stop Quoting Him In Context.