A Home Without A Grandmother Is Like

Golf Is An Exercise In Scottish Pointlessness For People Who Are No Longer Able To Throw Telephone Poles At Each Other.

The American Woman's Concept Of Marriage Is A Clearly Etched Picture Of Something Uninflated On The Floor. A Sleeping-bag Withoutair, A Beanbag Without Beans, A Padded Bra Without Pads. To Work On It, You Start Pumping--what The Magazines Call "breathing Life Into Your Marriage." Do Enough Of This And The Marriage Becomes A Kind Of Banquo's Ghost, A Quasi-living Entity.

Any Discussion Of The Problems Of Being Funny In America Will Not Make Sense Unless We Substitute The Word Wit For Humor. Humor Inspires Sympathetic Good-natured Laughter And Is Favored By The Healing-power Gang. Wit Goes For The Jugular, Not The Jocular, And It's The Opposite Of Football; Instead Of Building Character, It Tears It Down.

Americans Are So Emotionally Fragile That Soon We Will Have To Be Carried Around In Plastic Bubbles And Fed With An Eye-dropper.

Showing Up At School Already Able To Read Is Like Showing Up At The Undertaker's Already Embalmed: People Start Worrying About Being Put Out Of Their Jobs.