A Couple Of Months Ago, I Gave

My Girlfriend Was Just Killed In A Car Accident. Devastating. I Can't Believe I'm Only Going To Have Sex With Her One More Time.

I Think My Friends Wife Has Been Banging A Black Guy. Because They Just Had A Baby. And The Baby Had A Hole In It.

Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

You Know How Everybody Has That One Weird Creepy Uncle? Well, Seth Green Looks Like He Got Raped By All Of Them.

I Can't Talk Politics With My Cousin Because He's Such A Hypocrite. He's Against The Death Penalty And He Hanged Himself.