List of David Letterman Quotes

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

I'm Very Resourceful. I'd Be Good In Prison. I'd Be Good In A Shipwreck. I'd Make A Great Hostage.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Yesterday Was Election Day. If We Have Any Democrats In The Audience, I'm Sorry But You're Going To Have To Give Up Your Seats.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

Today Would Have Been The Birthday Of Osama Bin Laden. It Makes Me Remember When Seal Team 6 Threw Him A Surprise Party.

The Oil Spill Is Getting Bad. There Is So Much Oil And Tar Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, Cubans Can Now Walk To Miami.

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

Here's What The Kids Get. They Get Free Mcdonald's And Kentucky Fried Chicken For A Year, And 52 Six-packs Of Pepsi. And I'm Thinking, Well, Actually, It Might Be Healthier If They Were Taking Steroids.

I Like Halloween. It Gives You A Chance To Dress Up Like Something You're Not, You Know? Like When The Miami Dolphins Put On Football Uniforms.

Guess Who's Running For President? Jeb Bush. Jeb Was Governor Of Florida And He Speaks Fluent Spanish, Which Raises The Question: What Language Did His Brother Speak? What Was That?